Jokes
Airports
If Operating Systems were Airports:
- DOS
- everybody pushes it till it glides, jumps on, and lets it coast till it skids....then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
- DOS w/QEMM
- same as DOS but with more leg room to push.
- MAC
- all the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, etc., look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without knowing, so just shut up.
- OS/2
- to get on board you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines; then you have to fill out a form that states how you want your seating arrangement to be - whether it should have the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus. If you are successful in getting on board and getting off the ground you have a wonderful, enjoyable trip - except for times when the rudder and flaps freeze stuck, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get your personal things in order before you crash.
- Windows
- nice colorful airport terminal, friendly stewards/stewardesses, easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff....then, BOOM! - you blow up without any warning whatsoever.
- NT
- everyone sits on the runway and forms the outline of a plane, then they just sit there and go "PHHLLZZZSST" like they're flying.
- Unix
- everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. Then they go out on the runway and piece it together, all the time arguing about what kind of plane they are building.
Next: A few passengers are riding comfortably along in a plane shaped like a large black cube, when suddenly the plane disappears, and they are told that their tickets will might still work with other airlines' planes, (as long as the airlines have signed a contract with Next), but that there might be a slight delay until all the details are worked out.
A Fable for Modern Times
Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a Star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams.
So the GatesKeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a DosFish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the DosFish was not bright, and could be taught few new tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.
At first the people loved the DosFish, for he was the only one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. "Forsooth," they cried. "the DosFish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.
Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was cheap. So the GatesKeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awhile in the Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on the DosFish and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the DosFish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the DosFish.
Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the GatesKeeper, and spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the DosFish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature Oz II.
Now Oz II was smarter than the DosFish, as most things are. It could drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the GatesKeeper promised another OZ II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea.
Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the DosFish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it. So the GatesKeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will not need the DosFish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea."
Years passed, and the workshops of the GatesKeeper and the Blue Giant were overrun by insects. And the people went on using their DosFish with a Window; even though the DosFish would from time to time become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers.
Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, "It is indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink.
Now the GatesKeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with piers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the GatesKeeper declared, "though my Entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs."
And so the GatesKeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater DosFish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it too would be built of objects.
Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown, and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.
Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.
And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who knew him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the greatest ram of all.
And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the simple DosFish.
Good News/Bad News
Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no return. So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to the gates of heaven. He informed them of his decision and told them to go back to their people and prepare them for the end of the world on Thursday.
Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He has seen God with his own eyes. Worse yet, God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad news. After centuries of telling the US citizens that there is a God, he has proof that we've been right. He has seen God with his own eyes. But the bad news is that God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has wonderful news and even more wonderful news. God, by calling him to the gates of heaven with the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has just confirmed how important Bill Gates really is. The even better news is that on Thursday IBM will stop shipping OS/2.
Microsoft Climbs into the Driver's Seat
January 25th, Redmond WA - Marketing representatives from Microsoft Corporation today announced the Company's new line of high-value sedans signaling the Corporation's move into automobiles. Said Bill Gates, Microsoft CEO, "We feel that consumers are confused by the great variety of vehicles out there. Every company offers its own proprietary version of your basic sedan, but there's no standard, and we intend to change that."
Microsoft aims to define that standard with their new Redmond[TM] sedan. The company claims that given the advanced set of state-of-the-art features in the new model, the Redmond sedan could be the best vehicle available in a short period of time. The Redmond features include:
- Room for up to six passengers, although the current version only allows one occupant while the car is in motion. Microsoft claims that this will provide greater security for the passenger and vows to introduce a true multi-passenger model in Q3.
- Integrated car phone. The "Redmond" includes a SONY(TM) model TCP-93. This model only allows dialing out, so another phone is required if you wish to receive calls or communicate with other satisfied "Redmond" owners. Microsoft expects that many third-party vendors will be glad to provide this added value.
- Revolutionary cache strategy allowed Microsoft to design the "Redmond" with just 3 wheels instead of four. Microsoft predicts tremendous savings in tire replacement.
- No speedometer, odometer, or gas gauge. Microsoft stated that it can deliver a higher-quality product by leaving off these frills in the initial offering. Industry analysts suggest this could also provide jobs for an enterprising third party market.
- An early prototype of the "Redmond" (code-named "Pong") had an obvious disadvantage of only supporting left turns. The production-ready "Redmond" instead offers revolutionary control-preserving but control- insensitive steering. The steering column and directional signals allow you to signal and turn in either direction, and while the car "remembers" the direction you turned, it translates this into a left turn automatically. "This is great news for people who always confuse left and right, and Microsoft provides a complimentary map of your town to aid you in finding paths that only include left turns," explained Gates.
- For the more conservative driver, Microsoft has dazzled industry critics by providing an AmeriDrive[TM] console. This console allows the "Redmond" to be driven as any other American car. The console currently supports the only available standards document (1.7b), and some minor features such as acceleration, steering, and braking are not fully supported. Microsoft fully stands behind AmeriDrive and maintains that it is "not just a check-box" item for compatibility's sake.
{Additional material - From: Rod Wright To: John Varela}
The Microsoft Redmond car, however, would not provide "Crash Protection" as they feel that the average user does not need such frills. They point to the lack of success of OS/2 with its built-in crash protection as proof that the public cares not about such matters.
Microsoft also denies that the sluggish performance of the Redmond prototype is related to its use of Windows as the control system in the on-board computer. Independent sources indicate that alpha models have trouble running the engine at the same time as making left turns. Their analysis shows that the software to perform the left turns does not return control to Windows as is expected in such a cooperative environment. This journal recently was given a "sneak preview" of the Redmond and was impressed by how well it looked. The Microsoft sources indicated that the ability to carry cargo in the trunk at the same time as passengers are aboard is being planned for a future version but may not be in the initial shipping version.
On Wednesday, Steve Balmer of Microsoft gave the keynote speech to the American to the Society of American Engineers conference describing Microsoft's "vision" of the new era of automotive excellence. He claimed that anyone buying a car today is buying into obsolete technology. Informed users are waiting for the production version of the Redmond sedan which is due out "next year". He claimed it will make all existing cars obsolete due to its V-7 engine. Industry analysts were briefed by Microsoft who claimed that IBM would no longer be given access to the code for Microsoft's Windows for the Beltway and Windows for Truckers code and therefore could not operate on Microsoft standard highways.
==Paul Muad'dib's Rightous Rules of OS/2 2.x Usage For if thou dost wish an effective computing environment, verily OS/2 can offer such a space, but be advised that whiners, and losers, and techno-wimps it likes Not. And if you are so evenly derived from such a stock, may you find comfort in the likes of Windoze or GEM or System 6 (7 is a holy number and it too would tax your meager mental resources).
But if you have a spirit of cunning, adventure, and guile (and better yet a direct Internet feed :), then doth it well appear that OS/2 is devised for you...if you know these few rules:
Thou shalt read the manuals, and re-read them, BEFORE installing the system, else thy system ends up fit for a wretch. For I have seen the effects of the computer handyman who thinketh that manuals are for vasty minds, and this very person had but 4 megs of system memory when he concieved it a fine idea to make his hard drive one HPFS partition...and the resultant disk thrashing was most lamentable to behold!
...which remindeth me of the next law, which is: While HPFS is a most absolute and excellent technology, and I can fairly proclaim its many virtues, the Day of HPFS has not yet come. Many programs understand it not; if (pity) your OS gets churned about, you will have a most piteous time accessing and repairing the damage, unless you are Smart. And unless you have had many vital experiences with OS/2, you are Not Smart.
Thou shalt read, re-read, and re-re-re-read the OS/2 2.x FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions list); for its own author is as fair a gentleman as any, bearing the Name Timothy Sipples; he is most certainly Smart. It seems I have asked all but nine-and-ninety questions, only to be told, "Insolent Wretch! Pollute our fair newsgroup no more with such tripe! It is to be found in the FAQ! Now, get you gone, you minimus of hindering knot-grass made...you bead, you acorn! Out, tawny Tarter, out! Out, loathed medicine, hated potion, hence!" Oh, shame and eternal shame, nothing but shame! I would save you from such a fate: read the FAQ!
Thou shalt edit the garbage out of the installation procedure, for while Neko the Cat may seem a fine idea upon installation, and you may say often "Oh, to be such a fair young feline! To bound about the desktop which such abandon, winding up days with toil and nights with sleep...To fall famished with such a Charming and Humorous Aspect...oh, 'tis so cute! I think I should laugh! Ha! Ho! Ha! Charming Cat! Ha!". But as the ever growing swapfile sucks upon your disk space, the fair young cat (and programs of its ilk) shall assume a different visage, and your Good Humor shall be replaced by a murderous rage, and you will find yourself saying "Most foul and evil beast! I hate you! You tread upon my screen with your vile whiskers, sucking up my precious hard drive space, drinking my megabytes away; Oh, if I could but crawl inside the desktop to join you in fair battle! But nay, you hide behind my windows and put your .DLL's where I can't find them! Vile thing! I am angry now!
Know fairly that there are two files that can be created in the root. These be Named autoexec.bat and startup.cmd; and if you place items in these, they affect startup not, but rather every instance of DOS or OS/2 command lines that you open from inside the Workplace shell. So: if, for instance, you desire a 50 line DOS every time you open a DOS session, you can place "MODE CO80,50" in the autoexec.bat file, along with other goodies such as DOSKEY and suchforth.
Know finally that the Workplace shell is far and away the most underrated of OS/2 features, and the good man shall endeavor to know of its Mysteries, and understand Objects and Shadows fully; for many wonderful things are possible once a basic understanding of this is achieved.
NT Chain
I have SOLID information that Windows/NT will be distributed in chain letter form. Within 60 days you will receive a letter containing a list of names and addresses, along with instructions to write ten lines of C code and send them to the address at the top of the list before you add your name to the bottom and mail copies to 84 of your friends. Having done that, you simply sit back and wait a few weeks to receive 12.5 million lines of NT source code which you then compile and link to form your NT system. Do NOT break the chain.
WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!
Welcome to the OS wars! Welcome to the Coliseum, the home of the upcoming battle of the Operating Systems Wars. Before your very eyes, in just a few moments, you will see the different OSes enter the ring. This promises to be the most exciting and contested battles for the domination of YOUR desktop. There will be no mercy shown and no prisoners taken, and they all know it! So, with no more ado, let me introduce the contestants!!!
{Wild applause}
"And to begin with, from the stables of massive Microsoft, wearing the white stripes, let's welcome the title-holder, the OS which has held the belt for nearly ten years, the most popular OS ever created, the base on which all else must built, the mighty ... DOS!!!"
{Wild cheering, as an aging, tired, thin fighter walks into the ring}
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen! In its sixth incarnation, the original OS for desktops, the standard, the one and only DOS! He's got built in disk compression software, he can run all the software out there, from games to spreadsheets, and he's the only one who can still squeeze into a 286! Give it up for DOS!"
Don: So, Jack, what do you think of DOS's chances this year?
Jack: Well, Don, I expect we'll see DOS's belt pass on today. He's just too old, too limited. He hasn't kept up with the hardware of today, and he's just not as fit as he used to be. All those memory problems, you know. And all those scandals with LANs, multi-tasking, etc... No, I think DOS is going down today.
Don: Ah, but what about the fans, Jack?
Jack: Of course, he's got the advantage there. 10 Million fans can make a lot of noise, and DOS will certainly benefit from their support. But I think that the crowd is fickle: it can choose a new champion in the blink of an eye, and DOS is just not exciting any more.
Don: I agree. What with the Pentiums and the Alphas coming, our friend is just not up to it anymore. Still, folks, don't give him up for dead. Stranger things have happened at the Coliseum!
"And now, in the blue corner, again from Microsoft's stables, fighting in this battle alongside DOS, the original WYSIWYG, the add-on that leaves no one indifferent, the program many cannot do without, in its third incarnation, the one and only ... WINDOWS 3.1!!!"
{Wild cheering, as a fitter, meaner-looking heavyset fighter walks in the ring and stands next to DOS.}
"Yes, folks, it's him. You want device independence? He's got it. You want similar interfaces across applications? He's got it. You want fancy graphics and windows? He's got them too. You want memory management? Just ask for it. You want multitasking? He can do it. Give it up for Windows!!"
Don: Ah, Windows is back. Any opinion, Jack?
Jack: Well, no one is really banking on Window's winning this middleweight bout, Don. Too slow, too kludgy. Still, he's got lots of fight left in him, you know. Lots of software out there for him, and that matters a lot. Still, I don't think he's got the stamina or the strength to win it here tonight. A good fighter, in my opinion, but not good enough for this crowd.
Don: I tend to agree, Jack, but for different reasons. I don't think his partner is really an asset in the coming fight. DOS is just keeping Windows back, in my opinion. The OS is still DOS, and that means no long files, no multitasking, etc... I just don't believe in that team anymore, but as you said they have a large loyal following, and let's see what happens.
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, again from the stables of Microsoft, the successor to Windows, the most talked-about OS around, the long-awaited arrival of ... WINDOWS NT!!!"
{Cheering as a lean, muscular fighter, three times as big as DOS, walks slowly to the Red corner.}
"Yes folks, it's Windows with the extra power! It can multitask, it can network, it can run some Windows and DOS software, it's from Microsoft!! Give it up for Windows NT!!!"
Don: A newcomer, Jack?
Jack: Yes, Don, we've heard lots about Windows NT lately. He's been tagged as a strong contender here tonight, and he certainly seems to be able to hold his own. Still, though. he's a bit too expensive for my taste, Don, and I don't like his interface.
Don: I personally like the power, Jack. It's big and bulky, but it gets the job done. And it's a relief not to worry about memory, TSR, etc... I think Windows NT will be a big contender here tonight.
Jack: I like the server/client power, but I think Microsoft should have started him earlier. Two years ago he would have taken the belt. Tonight the fight is going to be much tougher.
"Ladies and Gentlemen! Now approaching the blue corner, led by his manager, the Giant of the Industry, mighty IBM, the OS of choice for a growing number of millions, the power OS which is challenging DOS for the belt, now in its second incarnation ... OS/2 2.1!!!"
{Wild cheering as a muscular fighter, tall and strong, walks to the blue corner.}
"Yes, folks, it's OS/2! You asked for pre-emptive multitasking, he gave it to you! He can run 256 DOS and Windows programs at the same time, and he's a native 32-bit OS! You wanted power and user-friendliness, and here it is! He gives you REXX and networking and an object-oriented OS! Give it up for the Challenger, OS/2!!!"
Don: OS/2 sounds like a favorite here tonight, Jack?
Jack: Yes, a surprise actually. I certainly didn't expect this large number of fans. The fans like him because he's user friendly, and he's certainly got the muscle to go up against the best of them. A very slight advantage in terms of raw power to Windows NT, I think, but much more compatibility with DOS and Windows software for OS/2. The fans _like_ him, and that's the most important thing.
Don: I like him too, but I think he's in for a good fight. A possible liability will be his manager. I wonder whether IBM can take him to the top. HE can certainly do it in the ring, but what's going to happen outside?
"Finally, folks, straight from the heavyweight arena, the undisputed champion of the workstations, the vanquisher of VMS, arguably the most powerful OS in use today, the master of the Internet ... UNIX!!!"
{Cheering as a huge fighter approaches the ring, swinging biceps in motion.}
"Yes folks, it's him! Straight from the arenas of the heavyweight bouts, it's UNIX. Multitasking? Forget it. He's into multi-user! Networking? HA! This guy runs half the Internet. Limits? Don't make him laugh. He runs on Cray Supercomputers and now, as he fights for your desktop, give a big hand to ... UNIX!!!"
Don: Very impressive, don't you think Jack?
Jack: Oh yes. UNIX is definitely the most powerful fighter here today. Multi-user, multi-tasking, and with enough muscle to make DOS look like a Nintendo. Very impressive.
Don: Power, yes, but I didn't give him favorite status because of lack of software. He can't run DOS software, at least not natively, and that's going to be a big weakness in the coming battle.
Jack: Yes, of course, that and the fact that he's not user-friendly at all, and has few fans in this weight category... Hmmm.... He has a very tough fight ahead of him.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! You've met the contestants. You've heard the intros. As you know, there can only be one winner in the Coliseum!! Who will be left standing when the dust clears? You will help decide, as these fighters begin... THE DESKTOP RUMBLE!!!!!
LET THE WARS BEGIN, AND LET THE BEST OS WIN!!!
PATTON
Last night I had the STRANGEST dream, something about George C. Scott in front of this HUGE bitmap of the OS/2 logo. This morning I found this on the computer, and suspect that it is somehow related:
Now, I want you to remember that NO company ever won in the marketplace by writing applications for its own operating system. They won by making OTHER companies write applications for its operating system.
People, all of this stuff you've heard about users not wanting OS/2, wanting to stay with Windoze, is a lot of horse dung.
When you first got into computers, you admired the Turbo button, the fastest hard disk, the big-league CAD system, the top operating systems. Users LOVE a winner, and will not tolerate a loser! I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a user who didn't crave more computing power. That's why users have not, and WILL not ever be satisfied with what they have, because of the very thought of not having the best is hateful to users.
Now, the desktop is a task. It loads, threads, switches, interfaces as a task. This 16-bit stuff is a lot of crap. The bilious bastards that wrote that stuff about "OS/2 will never make it" don't know anything more about REAL desktop power than they know about the sex life of Charles Babbage!
Now, we have the finest operating system and applications, the best spirit and the best user groups in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those misguided vendors that are writing NT applications, by God I do. We're not just going to show them that they're missing the boat, we're going to tell COMDEX and the world that one of every four copies of NT shipped went to their COMPETITION! We're going to MAKE those people think OS/2 by the bushel!
Now...some of you Teamers, I know are wondering whether you'll chicken out on the show floor. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The "NT's" are the ENEMY. TELL them about OS/2. Show THEM real power! Prove that THEIR operating system is a dead end! When you walk past a booth where a moment before their best Windoze app crashed, well - you'll know what to do.
Now, there's another thing I want you to remember. I don't want to hear anyone bragging that OS/2 is "holding its position on the sales charts." We're not holding ANYTHING. We'll let Bill Gates do that. We are ADVANCING CONSTANTLY and we are not interested in holding onto anything but the marketplace. We're going to hold it by the nose and kick it in the ass! We're going to talk OS/2 all the time and we're going to boost the user base faster than Micro$oft can blow shipping dates!
Now, there's one thing that you folks will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank Janet for it....Thirty days from now, when you're sitting around your user group meeting, with all your friends around you and they ask you "What did YOU do at the Great Show?" you won't have to say "Well, I looked at some Windoze applications."
Allright, Teamers, you know how I feel. So, I will be happy to work with you wonderful folks at any trade show, anytime, anyhwere.
Top Ten
Top Ten ways to spot an OS/2 fanatic:
10. Will only drink coffee from an OS/2 mug. 9. When forced to use a DOS machine, constantly hitting ALT-ESC and cursing. 8. Tries in vain to get the right mouse button to work in Windows. 7. Tells spouse, "Not tonight, I'm multitasking." 6. Giggles uncontrollably when overhearing DOS users talk of QEMM woes. 5. Carries around 3-page hard copy of CONFIG.SYS. 4. Constantly hounding hardware manufacturers for OS/2 drivers. 3. Walks, chews gum, and reads "OS/2 Unleashed" all at the same time. 2. Writes letters to MacUser and AmigaWorld asking for more OS/2 coverage.
And the number one way to spot an OS/2 fanatic:
1. Replaced "Baby on Board" sign with "Honk if you love OS/2!"
---
From the home office in Baton Rouge, Louisiana - JJ's Top Ten
Top Ten reasons why you should buy Windows NT over OS/2:
10. NT is bigger, so it must be better! 9. None of that silly object-oriented stuff. 8. For only $295, you too can be an NT beta tester! 7. Good excuse to buy that bigger hard drive you've been wanting. 6. Now you can run all those 32-bit NT apps! 5. Never worry about wearing out that right mouse button. 4. No confusing shadows to get in the way. 3. Cheating not allowed in NT Solitaire. 2. Two words: File Manager.
And the number one reason you should buy Windows NT over OS/2:
1. Bill Gates could really use the money.
WinFood
I had a dream:
Monday, 10 AM -- Chicago, Illinois -- Start-up software developer Cuisine International announced CUISINENET, the first internetworking program to seamlessly integrate word and food processing. Called a breakthrough for small restaurants and snack bars, Cuisine Chairman Mark Meigs confidently predicted sales of thousands of copies with shipments soon to begin.
Monday, 4 PM -- New York -- Cuisine International shares closed sharply higher on announcement of new CUISINENET product.
Tuesday, 9 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Chairman William H. Gates, III announced that Microsoft Food for Windows would soon enter beta testing. Gates described the product as the first of a projected family of products to include Food for Windows, designed for small commercial dining establishments; Personal Food for Windows, designed for home kitchens; Portable Food for Windows, designed for lunchboxes; and, of course, at the high end, Food for Windows NC (Nouvelle Cuisine) designed for large institutional dining rooms. Asked by a reporter about CUISINENET, Gates said that he had never heard of the product, but was not surprised by it, because the software business is highly competitive, and Microsoft has to compete on the merits with many strong competitors, as the FTC had recently concluded.
Tuesday, 3 PM -- Chicago, Illinois -- An angry Mark Meigs showed reporters a copy of the nondisclosure agreement signed by Bill Gates, under which Cuisine International had informed Microsoft a year earlier about plans for CUISINENET. Meigs said that in hindsight, he should never have signed the agreement, as the only thing he learned from Microsoft was that Gates was considering making changes to Windows.
Wednesday, 9 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced that Microsoft would soon publish specifications for the Windows Open Kitchen Architecture (WOKA), a series of design specifications to permit manufacturers of toasters, ranges, and other kitchen appliances to integrate their products into the forthcoming Microsoft Food for Windows line. Asked about reports of a nondisclosure agreement with Cuisine International for a similar product, Gates said that the other product was really at most a niche product, and would probably have less functionality than the food-related features that Microsoft would be building into the new Unsaturated FAT File System which would be part of DOS 7.0. Gates said that he doubted there would be much interest in a dead-end solution that would not be able to keep up to date with advances in WOKA. Gates added that over 11,000 manufacturers of kitchen appliances were already having serious discussions with Microsoft about WOKA, and that he expected almost all important eaters of food to standardize on the WOKA environment.
Wednesday, 10 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced that he would be giving the keynote speech at the American Bakers annual convention on "Nutrition at Your Fingertips." Gates played down speculation that he would use the Bakers convention to introduce Microsoft Food for Windows, saying only that alpha testing was proceeding ahead of schedule, and the product would be shipped when it was ready.
Wednesday, 11 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Corporation announced that its Chairman, William H. Gates, III, had made a donation of over $250 of personal funds to the Cordon Bleu to begin an endowment fund for the Bill Gates Professorship of Advanced Cookery. The famous French cooking school confirmed that it had agreed to be a beta site for the much discussed Food for Windows application sweet.
Thursday, 9 AM -- New York -- PCWeek Magazine reported in a copyrighted story that it had obtained a copy of correspondence from Microsoft to Cuisine International, demanding that the small developer of kitchen software cease using the Cuisine name, as it infringes on the trademark for Microsoft Food for Windows NC. Microsoft added that Chairman Mark Meigs would also have to change his own name as Mark infringed a copyright on the Windows Edit menu, Meigs infringed the trademark on Meigs Field in Microsoft Flight Simulator, and Chairman infringed the trademark on Bill Gates's title which he had acquired with personal funds from Mao's estate. Also, Microsoft advised that while the company did not actually have to move out of Chicago, use of the name on press releases infringed a trademark on Windows 4.0
Thursday, 4 PM -- New York -- Cuisine International stock closed at 0-bid, 1/16-asked.
Friday, 9 AM -- ??? -- An anonymous spokesman for an unnamed Midwestern software developer announced the discontinuation of operations. Undescribed legal problems were cited as the reason. Others speculated that a failure to appreciate the competitive nature of the software business may have led to the company's sudden collapse.
- Monday, 9 AM -- Microsoft Internal Mail
From: billg To: mikem Re: Food Program
Please see if you can reassign one of the 3,000 engineers from the OS/2 virus development project to do a feasibility study on a food-related program. Not sure what it would do. Low priority.